Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
