How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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