I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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