i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
