Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
