I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
They have beer where we have blood.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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