Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
