6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The uberlube is also flammable
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
