1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
