how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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