Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
