dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
