The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
