You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
