Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
