um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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