Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My vagina is officially offended.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
