I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
