If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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