I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
last night I used snow as a chaser
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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