upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize