So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
