how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
