I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Randomize
