True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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