I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
