Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
