Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
