just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
