I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
