I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
