I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
