why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize