I can feel you judging me through the phone.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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