Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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