I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I didn't notice because vodka
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize