she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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