the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
