Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
