The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
