When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
