Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
