nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
