My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
