he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
