I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
