I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
