Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
