I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
