Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
