Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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