Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
