I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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