Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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