I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You have to summon your inner elephant
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
