I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
