I'm gonna have a badass scar
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
In other news, I just burned my penis
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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