so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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