my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
