I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You left your phone here
Wait...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
