I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
How's work?
Spinning.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
